you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
