you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
