Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
