I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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