She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
