So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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