apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
