that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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