So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My ATM looks so different sober.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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