so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
