I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
