Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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