Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
