I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
is wine microwaveable?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
