captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
