You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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