everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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