Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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