My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
