I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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