Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize