Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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