College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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