I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
