In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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