Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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