Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
