i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize