I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
