she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
