I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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