listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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