I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
