Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
