I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I touched a dick in church today
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