I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize