If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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