mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
