You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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