So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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