She is in my trunk
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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