mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
honey bunches of taint.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
