I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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