my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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