sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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