Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
