Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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