i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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