Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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