today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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