Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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