you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
