Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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