I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
