My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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