We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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