You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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