I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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