As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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