I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
