Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize