Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
