You made me cry and you don't even care
Pappa wants mamma naked
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
