I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
