Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
